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Thursday, August 9, 2012

I'm stuck in my own head...

Oh boys and girls it's a dark day today. I am losing a battle within my own head, I am fighting to remain sane and not lose control of what little I have left. I'm drowning in my own head with all the panic and anxiety. And the mind numbing debilitating depression, I can't breathe. I feel like I am going under. And I am not even sure why, it seems this last week things have gone from bad to worse inside my own head. The panic and anxiety are overwhelming, and those attacks lead to the mind numbing depression. And the lack of sleep AGAIN, and I keep thinking I can't do this!! I want off of this merry go round I call life. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live, not like this. And there are no particular events that triggered these feelings, life is pretty good. My husband and I are doing better, after my surgery he decided to be a dick because he didn't know how to help me with the pain etc..! Well being a total asshole sure does make everything better. But who knows how men think, or at least my husband. But things are better between us, he knows he was a dick, he's apologized and we're heading back to counseling yay. The kids are happy and healthy. I'm, well I'm never healthy so hey I should be used to that by now. But I'm not and I'm in so much pain today, not even from the surgery just from everything else, the RA? I don't even know anymore. But as my sister in law loves to point out, "You have a fantastic life, people would die for what you have. And you are always depressed and shit, seriously grow up." Cause that is what this is? Me not being able to grow up? Seriously what the fuck. I wish I could snap out of it, I wish I could "grow up". I wish this wasn't who I am, but sadly it is. And yesterday I saw my family Dr. who I LOVE, he is so great. And I told him about everything that is going on, and he said "I know you want to have a baby, but you need to get out of this funk right now". And since we can't try for another cycle or two he decided I needed Xanax. He wants me to take it every night for the next couple of weeks, because first and fore most I need to sleep to get better. And then he wants me to take it when the panic and anxiety become to overwhelming. So I am doing that because I do need to be both mentally and physically healthy to try to have another baby. It's only fair.
But today is a BAD day, it is full of panic and anxiety. And I am in the middle of doing laundry that needs done desperately, so I don't want to take the Xanax, last night I pretty much passed right out. Which was so nice to be able to sleep. But I have so much to do today, and I am finally able to do it. So I haven't taken the Xanax which I am sure is stupid. But I do this to myself all the time. And in the midst of a massive panic attack, I got  phone call and they left a voice mail. Which is all well and good, but I saved the voice mail my father left for me on my birthday, why I don't know. It's not even like it was a loving message it was just an obligatory it's your birthday so I guess because I am your father I'll call. But I can't delete it, and I can't listen to it. And today when I heard his voice it sent me over the edge. Why? I don't understand how one person can have so much power over your emotions. Just hearing his voice, I thought I should call him. WHY? What will change? It's not like he all the sudden will actually want to be my father, or like he will actually be loving and caring. Hell he'll probably just make me feel badly for having had surgery and not calling him. Or for not working because being a stay at home mother is such a cake job. Or he'll let me know just how much I disappoint him. But I still care, I still wish he would care. I still wish that he would wake up and realize he has a daughter and that he wants to be a father. I keep hoping.... for a miracle. I can tell myself over and over it's him not me, and I can almost believe it but never truly. And I don't know why. I don't know if it will ever go away, that need for my father to love me and accept me. And I don't know if I will ever truly be able to accept that he never will, and that it's all him and not me. And that hurts so very very much. And that takes me further and further into the blackness in my head. And I'm not sure I'll ever surface to the top of the ocean in my head, or if I will finally drown in it all.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

3 weeks down 3 to go...

It's been 3 weeks today since I had my surgery, and while I feel SO much better I still feel like this recovery will NEVER end. Yesterday I was feeling so great in the morning, and then like an idiot I ran down the stairs, WTF was I thinking?! I suppose it wasn't running running, but enough that it put a hell of a lot of pressure on my incision and made my uterus hurt. I know you are all like Jesus I don't want to hear about your uterus but dammit I can't say stomach because although it is in that general vicinity it isn't my stomach. So for the rest of the day yesterday I felt as if my reproductive organs were really pissed off at me and were getting ready to leave. So lesson learned be gentle on stairs. Today I am feeling better but still in some pain. And then last night I was feeling my stomach area and it is bumpy feeling and weird feeling. I don't know how to describe it, but it's like a torn muscle or something. So me being me started freaking out that I have a hernia, or my uterus really is trying to escape. But thinking about it now, I am thinking he probably had to cut through some of my abdominal muscles to get to my uterus, and they are probably healing. But boys and girls I DO NOT like the feeling it makes me all flipped out. I am also slowly getting back to being able to do things that I did before the surgery but there is still so much I can't do, and that SUCKS. So for the most part I sit in my GIANT chair, (yes the chair that I featured that had the lion sitting in it) and I watch mind numbing TV. And I know what you're thinking that would be AWESOME, not so much. I want to be able to work out, and clean a little more than I am now. I want to be able to do the laundry, and that is a pain literally and figuratively. But I miss everything being normal.So I can not wait for the last 3 weeks to be up, I have a reminder set on my phone for Aug. 28th as if I'll forget but I am counting down. And to make everything so much better my RA is flaring up BAD! They say it's normal after a surgery for the inflammation to get all haywire, but what makes it worse is the fact that it wasn't under control before the surgery. So now more joints are hurting than ever before, and tendons and other things he said would hurt. And my meds are doing NOTHING. Luckily I see my Rheumatologist on Fri. so hopefully we can come up with a much better treatment plan before I lose my mind. And HEEEERRRRE'S JOHNNY is back with vengeance not that he ever truly left, he seemed to lie dormant though for several days following my surgery, that or the Vicodin kept him in check. My Rheumatologist believes that once we get the RA under control and possibly find out what else is going on in my fucked up body, that HEEEERRRRE'S JOHNNY will be few and far between. Which god I hope so because I can not deal with this shit anymore. Cause being in constant pain and shit, that doesn't make you even more depressed or anything. Who knows, here's hoping that the next 3 weeks will fly by, and that my Dr's that I am seeing this week can help with all the stuff I am dealing with right now. I also am going to see my family Dr. to hopefully get Xanax because let's be honest 6-10 panic attacks a day can't be normal. And going back to no longer sleeping SUCKS, when I first had my surgery I slept A LOT, and it was magnificent! But now my scumbag brain says NOPE. So hopefully this week I'll get meds that help me all the way around. I'm off to watch more mindless TV between doing what I can do until I get worn out. Have a good day boys and girls, until next time. 

Monday, August 6, 2012

I am a TERRIBLE blogger lately!

While I really do want to post daily I don't always have the energy, or words in my head to write. I have so much to say but I truly don't know how to say it. So I am blocked and I just say maybe tomorrow I'll start blogging again. It helps me so much to blog, and when I see comments from you boys and girls it makes me happy, so why don't I do it more? I just don't know. My energy is almost 0 now days. And my depression and anxiety are off the charts. But when I blog I feel better, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It SUCKS. I am going to try to make an effort to blog more often, but I just can't make promises I may not be able to keep, due to my issues. But I will try.

But onto other things, I had surgery to remove my fibroid on July 17th. It was awful LOL. I had to have a laparotomy instead of the laparoscopy, which means a much longer recovery time. 6 weeks to be exact, but my fibroid was in a bad place according to my AMAZING Dr. While it wasn't blocking my tubes or anything, it was the size of a tennis ball, and it took up it's residence in the very back wall of my uterus. So I had to have a c-section cut. Uggh I am sorry to everyone that has had to have a c-section, that discomfort has to be hell while dealing with a newborn baby dependent on your every need. Luckily for me I was able to sleep as much as I wanted, and my family waited on me the first few weeks. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since the surgery and according to my Dr. at my two week check up I am doing amazing, and my incision looks FANTASTIC, he joked he was bragging on himself, but he was seriously impressed with how great it did look. I may not have much of a scar woo not like I will be showing it off in a bikini or anything, I don't want to make people throw up. I am feeling so much better though, the fist week and a half was rough, I thought I was never going to be able to stop taking my pain meds, which anyone who knows me knows I hate taking pain meds. I hate not having control over things, being groggy and out of it. If I could have gone without them I would have. But luckily I only needed them for a little over a week and a half. Which my family was quite happy about, apparently I am Dr. Jekyll Everybody Hyde when I am taking Vicodin. Now I am just taking Ibuprofen 600 until I see my Dr. again on the 17th. The biggest suckage of having surgery is it fucked up my healthy eating something fierce, I gained 8lb. during that time, I was so hard on myself about it, and very cranky. But I have re lost those 8lb plus 4oz. Woo Hoo, now hopefully I won't keep going down the path of I feel like shit fuck it give me a cookie. I'm trying boys and girls but it is HARD, because I really love cookies and cakes, and well to be honest almost all food. And when you are feeling shitty you just want comfort. And I was doing so well making healthier choices. So I just need to get back on that path again. But it's going to be a hell of a struggle, oh boys and girls pray or whatever it is you do that I can do it again. It also sucks not being able to exercise, who knew I would be lost without being able to do exercise? I must tell you I am shocked as hell. I feel all flabby and like all my muscles are disappearing. My Dr.did say I could start the Pilates again when I saw him but I figured I am not going to push myself to quickly so I am waiting till 4 weeks out from the surgery, so only 1 more week to go. Hey I have to baby myself, if I don't who will? The biggest thing holding me back is that my reformer is really fucking heavy and unless someone is home with me I can't drag it out and set it up alone. And we don't have room to leave it set out all the time. Man I can't wait till we have our new house it will have it's own room in the basement LOL. But I am thinking 4 weeks I'll be able to do that, let's hope. But that is pretty much my life right now, recovering from surgery, and fighting my never ending battle with my crippling anxiety and depression. Some days are better than others. Here's hoping that someday almost all of my days will be better days. Hope all of my boys and girls are doing well. Until next time.

Monday, June 25, 2012

2 steps forward, 10 steps back..

It seems no matter what I do I am always 2 steps forward, 10 steps back in my life. Especially with my health. I finally found out what was causing me so much pain, and the medicines they are giving me don't work. And I can't take a lot of medicines for so many reasons, the top 2 being I am so fucking sensitive to medications and I have so many bad reactions to so many, and 2 we're trying to have another baby and there are so many you can't take while pregnant. And let me tell you I thought getting pregnant again would be a breeze, boy was I wrong. It was SO easy with the girls. But this is like torture. I found out in Feb. that I have a fibroid that is pretty big. So after tons of tests to find out if it was blocking my tubes, in the uterine cavity etc. It's time to deal with it. Thankfully it is not blocking my tubes, and they are all clear, and it is not in a bad place in my uterus which is super. But it's mere size they say it's about the size of a tennis ball, and it will hinder the growth of a baby if I do get pregnant. And it may possibly not be letting implantation happen period. So it needs to go, but it's size makes even that a little complicated. Instead of doing a laparoscopy, a laparotomy may be needed, which makes the surgery a little more complicated. And could affect our chances of having a baby. I am hoping since this is there specialty it won't cause problems. But my Dr. suggested taking Lupron to shrink it, and waiting 3 months to do the surgery. Which I said OK to, when in actuality I just wanted to do the surgery and get it over with. Well thankfully my insurance company hates medicines and they prefer surgeries dumb I know but it's how they do. My appt. with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist for those not in the know LOL) was on Fri. and over the weekend I did my Google homework on Lupron, and I found it is NOT a drug I want anything to do with. I found for many people who never had depression and or anxiety it can cause severe depression and anxiety. You have to very closely monitored while taking Lupron if you already have depression or anxiety. Well boys and girls I am the epitome of a nervous wreck. My panic attacks have panic attacks, and while I am not really that depressed, I started taking Wellbutrin several weeks back and it sent me into a depression tail spin. So if a medicine that is supposed to help with depression makes me depressed I can only imagine what a medicine that causes depression and anxiety in people who have never had it can do to me. I'd honestly rather not find out. So I made my mother call my Dr's. office today, because my anxiety is so bad lately that I can't even make phone calls to people that I know are going to be nice to me. And my husband makes no phone calls, I have to handle that. YAY so my poor mother is like my secretary now, but at least she loves me enough to handle my life when I can't. Haven't heard back from my Dr.'s office yet but hoping we can schedule the surgery soon and just get the show on the road. I am not getting any younger, and I am afraid I am running out of time to have another baby, especially with all my health issues. And with my anxiety just taking over lately life is not easy anyway.

And what else sucks is my RA isn't getting any better with the meds I can take. I am currently taking Plaquenil, and Imuran and neither is working at all. And more aches and pains that are associated with RA are popping up everyday. So now we need to find a medicine that works that I can take if I should ever get pregnant. My Rheumatologist put me on a Medrol dose pack, which works most of the time, but this last time it didn't really work that well. And I am not to keen on taking steroids because of my new found Type II  diabetes, oh joy of joys. While my sugars are pretty well under control, steroids can make them wildly out of control and I just don't want to mess with that. So where do we go from here?? And to make things even more fantastic, I have a ton of symptoms of MS, which I have always had. And my neurologist told me that because my MRI was clear we may not know for sure if it is truly MS, until I either have a massive episode where there is no denying it is indeed MS, or I start getting lesions on my brain. Ummm yay, and he also agreed with me that I have way to many signs of MS to rule it out. So we're watching that, but nothing. And I can't help but wonder, will that affect me getting pregnant? Am I not meant to have more children? And yeah I am sure I sound ungrateful to some people, I should be happy with the children I have and not worry about more. But I do, I want another baby, it's a need, and a want. I won't feel complete until I have another child or 2. So maybe I am greedy, maybe I want to much, maybe I should be happy. But I'm not, I love my children but I want more. And I honestly and truly wonder if that is ever going to happen? And I need to wrap my head around how I am going to handle it if it never does. I also need to wrap my head around all that is wrong with me. And all that may be wrong with me. And I think that is a bigger task than I can handle. But for now I am going to keep plugging along trying for a baby, after this awful fibroid is gone. And plugging along trying to find the right medicines that work for what we already know is wrong with me. I guess one day at a time. And hopefully I won't completely lose my mind. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Nothingness wrapped in a big blanket of nothing!

That is truly how I feel lately. I feel blech and meh, all the time. I don't really care about much. I am obviously depressed about losing my 2 dogs in 6 months, hell I love my animals sometimes more than my children. And now I can't stop obsessing about the Yellow Lab who is still alive, she turned 10 in March, she is the only dog that made it to 10. And I am now so neurotic about her, every sound she makes, how she breathes EVERYTHING, I know I can't stop her from dying if she is going to, but dammit I am going to try. And I am making myself and everyone else insane. But it's how my brain works, it either OBSESSES or it could give a shit less. I am honestly not ready to lose another animal, but I know I can't stop it from happening if it's going to happen. But try to explain that to my fucked up brain. And I am now going through this soul crushing, mind numbing, life destroying depression. And I started taking meds for it (my Dr. put me on Wellbutrin) and shocking it's not working, just like with every other medicine it works backwards. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Because after my surgery we want to start trying for another baby, because yes we are insane. So I have to take medicines that are safe. So I am on Buspar for my anxiety, and not sure if I even notice a difference, to be fair it takes longer to get in your system and I've only been taking it 2 weeks. But Xanax or Klonopin are better but not safe. And Paxil seems to be the SSRI I can take that works. But it's side effects SUCK ass. So what do you do? And it's also not on the list of safe meds for pregnancy. So I guess I live with the depression? I am hoping the Buspar will start working for the panic, and anxiety soon or I may lose my mind. As far as the OCD nothing seems to work for that, so I guess I will just drive myself and everyone else mad with my obsessive brain.

And to make matters worse HEEEERRRRE'S JOHNNY is back with vengeance. Not that he ever truly went away, but he wasn't so cruel for awhile. When my husband switched jobs we got new insurance, which YAY we have insurance. But what sucks is they refused to pay for my Relpax until I took Maxalt first. Which I already had taken Maxalt, but since then I switched Primary Care doctors, and my old doctor refuses to send over my records from her. So my new Dr. doesn't have proof I took Maxalt, so I had to take it again, knowing it wouldn't help. But this time my PCP ordered the melt tabs of the Maxalt, let me tell you how badly that went, I don't remember taking Maxalt the first time, just that it didn't work. But I don't remember if there were any bad reactions, this time there were plenty. I was unable to speak properly, my mother was worried I had a stroke, my migraine got 10x worse, I threw up for hours, and I had numbness and tingling in my hands and feet. There were more, those are just the worst. So needless to say it didn't work. I know I didn't throw up last time, but I may have had the other symptoms and just not paid attention. Hell I was so miserable with the beginnings of what was then Marvin The Migraine. So now I hopefully can have my Relpax, which seems to be my only saving grace with HEEEERRRRE'S JOHNNY!

I am also suffering with my RA, the meds I am on aren't working to relieve the pain. And it's another case of have to pick the safest meds for a possible pregnancy someday. And I can't take steroids because of my sugar issues. So who knows where we go from here. I have a call into my Rheumatologist, and I trust him he is an excellent Dr. So I know he will come up with a good plan. It just sucks being in pain. Ironically all the other asshole Rhuematologists I saw always told me if I lost weight I would feel so much better. Even 20lb. would make a HUGE difference. Well I have lost 60lb. and I feel 100x worse. So nice job on that treatment plan bitches! And my weight loss also has me all blue. Although I have lost 60lb. it doesn't feel like an accomplishment, I still have so much to lose. So it's discouraging right now. And because it hasn't made me feel better at all it's kind of like well what's the point? And I know there is a huge point, I want to be healthier. I don't want to be the fat girl the rest of my life. I want to be happy and healthy. And even if I am not a size 5, I will be happy with a size 10 who am I kidding. I just want to be healthy. So I am on my way to that but I am not feeling it right now and that sucks. I feel like giving up. I keep pushing myself to do my Pilates, I took a long break from that which was stupid, I never should have done that. I was doing so well. And the break made it so much harder to get back on that horse. But I'm working on it.

I guess I am just MEH to the umpteenth degree and I don't know how to feel happy again. So I guess I needed to type my frustrations and everything out. Hopefully all my boys and girls aren't in the same head space I am. If you are I feel for you, and I offer you big hugs.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

RIP my sweet girl.

Last night we lost our Chocolate Lab Liberty. It was such a shock, she was fine one minute and gone the next. We aren't 100% sure what happened to her but I'm pretty sure it was a heart attack. She would have been 10 on the 4th of July, hence the name Liberty. We are all in shock, and we are all extremely saddened by her loss. She was the sweetest, most well behaved girl. She was bred for temperament, and she was the best. From the moment we brought her home she didn't require a leash, you would tell her stay she did, sit she did,  you get the point. She was just such a good dog. She loved the kids so very much, she loved when they laid on her like a pillow, I think it gave her such joy. This is so very hard to write because I haven't fully wrapped my head around the fact that she is even gone. It was all so sudden and quick. And it came just 6 months after our Black Lab Alex passed away. But with Alex we knew it was coming, she had cancer, although we weren't ready we were more prepared. But with Liberty she was perfectly happy and healthy literally 5 minutes before she died. And in one moment she fell down, started having trouble breathing and was gone, right before our very eyes. And what made it even harder is the kids watched the whole thing, it was right after dinner time. And my oldest daughter is having the hardest time with it. And it breaks my heart, I can't make it better for her, and I am just as sad. I worry so much that this will leave my kids traumatized, I don't know how to handle this situation. I don't know how I feel, and I am slightly traumatized by it. And I don't know how to help my kids, and I feel helpless. I am supposed to protect them from pain and trauma, and I can't. It was so much easier with Alex, we all said our good-byes, and Alex passed peacefully. It was so quick with Liberty, there were no good-byes, there was no time for anything. So we are all struggling with this loss. And I know we will handle it one day at a time. But if you boys and girls have any advice please feel free to share. I can use as much as I can get. RIP sweet baby girl Liberty 7-4-2002-6-5-2012

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I have an addictive personality.

So I need to admit something to you boys and girls. I am addicted to Pintrest, I am serious I can't get off of it. I need a pintervention. I don't even want to go there half the time and yet I find myself typing in the url. And bam I'm there, and then I am stuck there for at least an hour. There is so much great stuff there, but it keeps me from blogging or living honestly. I clean and eat between my Pintrest addiction. So I suppose I am ahead of the game I am still talking to my family, and I am still cleaning my house, and lets be honest like I would skip a meal! But when it stops me from my other passions on the internet, I think that's when I need help. But I just can't quit it. I have an addictive personality, I go BIG or I go home. I never half ass my obsessions, OH NO I go hard. I do whatever it is that has become my obsession until I am so sick of it I NEVER want to see it again. I am not even sure that is healthy. But honestly is anything I do healthy?

And I am also addicted to my garden, I spend what time I am not on Pintrest babying my plants. I am so invested in my tomatoes this year it's not even funny. I suppose gardening is a healthy obsession. But maybe not the way I am obsessed with it. Last night I was out in my garden at 11PM weeding. And I had already weeded  all day Sunday. But I can't handle the thought of my precious babies being smothered by a weed. And I have another problem in my garden, there is a cat that thinks my garden is their litter box. That's right boys and girls, I have to clean my garden of cat shit. I need to Google if there is a way to make that stop. Hey maybe I'll find something about it on Pintrest. And I swear to all that is holy if I find the cat who is trying to destroy my plants he/she is going to be curtains. Unless of course it's like fertilizer for my plants and I have the most amazing veggies you have EVER seen. Then I might work out a deal with said cat. I wonder why I can't get addicted to things like exercise, or eating healthy? Nope only things that are probably not healthy or sane. But that's how I roll boys and girls. I wouldn't be me if what I did wasn't slightly insane. So tell me boys and girls do you have any obsessions that you obsess over until you can't stand it anymore? Or am I alone?